Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Hebug Sues Ex-Superstar Girlfriend

A woman with an ‘ex’ to grind is scary, but a man, pathetic.

Case in point: Shakira stands defensively in one corner of the boxing ring, her ex-boyfriend, Antonio de la Rua, in the other, his eyes flashing sparks of envy green under the glaring spotlights.

His demands? A whopping 100 million dollars.

The songbird and the then Argentine president’s son began dating in 2000. He supposedly took control of her brand in 2004. Four years later, she landed a contract with Live Nation to the sum of 300 million dollars.

The couple parted ways two years ago. Last year, she terminated her contract with him. She has since met someone else and is pregnant with his child.

Today, Antonio claims that not only did he iron out some mysterious wrinkle that threatened her Live Nation gig but that Shakira failed to compensate him for all the work he did to develop her brand.

Really? Antonio, grow some huevos rancheros and put your big boy pants on, por favor

The hip shaker is a top grade artist in her own right. Her artistic talent eclipses 80% of the other warblers inundating our sound-waves.

This Colombian goddess has moved on. Let her –and her well earned millions—go, querido.

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

Under Cover

Apologies for being off the radar but my reasons are legitimate: I am in the middle of Shebug territory, treading very softly, with my eyes wide open and pen to hand.

My secret location? The Southern Cone. Specifics, however, are best kept under wrap.

The ruling Shebug in power has eyes and ears everywhere.  She owns sways of land across the nation, across the River Plate, America and God knows where else.

Under this Shebug’s chestnut mane plots a sycophantic mind as devoid of light as a sea cave. This tacky terror is as scary as she is crazy.

She does, however, possess a sense of aesthetics. Her cabinet includes an unusually high percent of good-looking men, most too young to be allowed anywhere near the nation’s control tower.

The despot’s entourage features hotties such as Martin Lousteau (42), ex-minister of economy; Alfonso Prat Gay (47) and Martin Redrado (51), both Presidents of the Central Bank of Argentina. Note that when they were at the helm, they were between four to six years younger, give or take…

But it is 49-year-old Amado Boudou, her vice-president, who has claimed the longevity prize. The guitar-plucking swindler is part owner of a company that prints money. Interestingly, he is currently under investigation.

This afternoon I have a secret rendezvous with an old friend, an ex-diplomat, whose phones have been tapped since her return to the country. I believe she should run for office.

In exchange for my support, should she accept the challenge, I humbly request two things, and two things only: a small ranch on the Pampas and to be the person to vet her choice of cabinet members.

I might be ghastly with numbers, but I do have an eye for aesthetics.

Tuesday, 6 November 2012

Kitty Fisher: 18th Century Shebug

The definition of a ‘courtesan’ is a woman prostitute, especially one whose clients are members of a royal court or men of high social standing. 

Synonyms are concubine, doxy, paramour, kept woman, mistress, fancy woman, and, of course, Shebug.

An example of an 18th century Shebug is Kitty Fisher. She morphed from milliner to ‘classy’ prostitute. Kitty she took pride in her work and did it well, down to handling her own marketing. 

She turned an embarrassing moment in St James’ Park that left little to the imagination into the publicity stunt of the century. Kitty’s fall from her horse made every headline and was featured in satirical prints. Songs were even written about the event!

In publishing pamphlets entitled ‘Kitty F—r’s Merry Thoughts’, Ms Fisher not only advertised her charms, but also her ability for clever conversation.

Ms Fisher was reported to have eaten a thousand pound note on her buttered bread such was her voracious appetite for all things luxurious.

Though dead for centuries, this Shebug refuses to vanish. The nursery rhyme, Lucy’s Locket reads as follows:

Lucy Locket lost her pocket,
Kitty Fisher found it;
Not a penny was there in it,
Only a ribbon ‘round it.

Great portraitists, like Sir Joshua Reynolds (first president of the Royal Academy) and Nathaniel Hone, immortalized her on canvas.

I came across this Shebug depicted by a contemporary artist, Mark Hampson, last week at the Royal Academy. The exhibition is called ‘Almost Real Art: A Satirical Archaeology of the RA Collections and Library’.

Here, the muse is featured repeatedly alongside the four roundels painted by the most distinguished Angelica Kauffman, one of the two female founding members of the RA. The banner painted at the top reads ‘Kitty Fisher’s All Ladies Academy For Female Arts’.

It goes to show how the power of good PR can be timeless!

Thursday, 1 November 2012

La Rentrée

French Shebugs cough up their prey’s cash no matter how pear shaped the economy might be. Her rich daddy will simply have to get his shoes re-soled till he finds new sources of money making, because her forays into Louboutin will continue as if nothing has changed.  The sharper her stiletto, the higher she climbs.

My recent research trip to Paris proved very telling. The joys of planting oneself at an outdoor table in the 16th arrondissement to observe makes the task of researching très worth it! 

I got my work done feasting on an amuse bouche followed by chevre rôti a la provençale, mesclun de salad aux olives, filet de dorade pochée with sauce beurre blanc and a tian de légumes gillés, culminating with a crème brulée aux fruits de saison and a sinfully dark coffee. 

September is all about ‘la rentrée’. The streets are ripe with Parisians totting their expanded number of wee ones back to l’école in style. But the Shebug at the school gates, whether in Paris or Milan, is easy to spot. Look for the immaculate mummy confidently cataloging potential prey dressed to perfection in designer outfits.

It’s too easy and defeatist to let any Shebug-at-the-gates get your dander up. Why feel a like a mouse fresh out of the spin cycle when you can take charge and invest in yourself? Begin by getting a new hairstyle and try that sassy shade you’ve always fantasized about. Revamp your wardrobe after an honest culling; the charity shops will love you.

Time to pump up your glamour quotient, ladies. So, save your pennies, check out the latest fashions and hit the sales well informed, whether heading for Yves Saint Laurent or for Zara.

And, by the way, if you’re running late for the morning school run, do what Shebugs do: throw on a fur coat over your pajamas, hide behind a pair of sunglasses and don’t forget to put on red lipstick!