The One and Only Zsa Zsa Gabor

Apologies to my many readers worldwide for the disappearing act. But life is like a river and has a way of taking you down streams not imagined.

I am back on dry land, spyglass to hand and pen to paper, checking out the massive increase in Shebug spottings of late. 

It's not just the Poles that have shifted, but so has the accepted moral compass. In the beloved Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave, one of these plotting pout-lipped pretenders will soon be referred to as First Lady.

But for now, let us keep our wits about us and instead, bid farewell to a Hungarian-American icon who played up to the gold digger image with enviable wit, yet was anything but a Shebug: Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Though more famous for being famous, the beautiful and colourful Zsa Zsa became an actress in her own right stepping onto the stage first in Vienna after winning the Miss Hungary crown. She dazzled viewers on films as much as on television but it was her private life than enthralled one and all. The platinum blonde married and remarried many a time and eventually chose a prince to settle down with for the long run. Et pourquois pas?

Feast your funny bone, 'dahlinks', as she was famous for addressing everyone. After nearly a century, we are left with the most delectable quotes from the inimitable Ms. Gabor:

 ‘Husbands are like fires – they go out when unattended.’

'A man is incomplete until he is married. Then he's finished.'

'There is nothing wrong with encouraging a man's advances, as long as they are in cash.'

'I know nothing about sex, because I am always married.' 

'I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.'

  

’I am a marvellous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.’

‘I want to pay my own bills…I want to choose the man. I do not permit men to choose me.’

‘The only way to learn a language properly, in fact, is to marry a man of that nationality. You get what they in Europe a ‘sleeping dictionary’. Of course, I have only been married five times, and I speak seven languages. I’m still trying to remember where I picked up the other two.’

‘How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?’

‘Conrad Hilton was very generous to me in my divorce settlement. He gave me 5000 Gideon Bibles.’

‘I want a man who’s kind and understanding. Is it too much to ask of a millionaire?’

http://dai.ly/xajp72

Gaudy Glitterati

Well, hello….And long time no write. Sorry, darlings!

London is in the throngs of summer - English summertime that is, and so far it has not disappointed and will remain forever a daily topic of conversation peppered with a weird blend of perplexity, disappointment topped with a dash of stoic surrender.

Still, London remains a city of wonder and ever full of surprises where cranes have become the new official bird and billions flow like hypocrisy from a Shebug’s lips.

Ferraris, Lamborghinis, Rolls Royces and Bentleys can be found parked every other street from Chelsea to Mayfair, Kensington to Knightsbridge. In Beauchamp Place, a cackle of them double park or plain make themselves very much at home on half the pavement heavily scented with shisha pipes; if you are in a rush at night, avoid Beauchamp Place. 

No surprise if you do not believe me, just nip over to Harrods and you will see super cars of the Glitterati posing everywhere.

I am not a car person. In fact, my dream car for years was a sturdy jeep ready and revved up and so whisk me off from one off-the beaten-path globetrotting adventure to another. So when my eyes spot vehicles covered in velvet or in Swarovski crystals, are either painted rose gold or are actually gold plated, I blink down hard just to make sure that  I have not crossed into the Zero Taste Twilight Zone...

Furrari (velvet coated) Price Tag: £150,000

Owner: Ask any Shebug

Gold Ferrari Price Tag: £200,000

Owner: Iraqi Riyadh Al-Azzawi

Rose Gold Bentley Price Tag: Ask a Shebug

Owner: Who cares?

But it’s not all about men and their tawdry toys… The Swarovski covered Mercedes has every lipsmacking, hand rubbing Hebug about town clocking this owner’s every move. A 22 year-old Russian business student happily paid £20,000 to add one million crystals to her £55,000 set of wheels.

Amazonian Red Mist

If you think this Miss Amazonas contestant is pure sugar and spice, think again…

Sheislane Hayalla will be damned before the freshly elected Miss Manaus, Carol Toledo, waives back at the adoring cheering crowd only to walk away with the much coveted title and the booty.

Shebugs are sore losers indeed. They cannot stomach failing. AT ANYTHING. This South American specimen publicly resorted to yanking, wrenching and scene pulling without batting an eye. Thick skinned? You bet! Hissy fits are their specialty: decorum, to a Shebug, is the name of a Roman furniture store like Ikea is to Sweden.

This classic Shebug knee-jerk reaction, instinctive to their breed as stinging, biting, and milking others, occurs any time they fail to get that which they desire. So always watch your back when a Shebug is about…

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

The Poison Pen and the President

American playwright and poet, Beau Willimon wrote ‘Tales of power and ambition and intrigue and betrayal and desire – when you’re telling those in a big way, you automatically want to go to Shakespeare’. Though tempting, it would be too cliché to use William Congreve’s ‘Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned’.

  

Cast of Characters

Socialist French President Hollande: Unfaithful gaffe expert with matching approval and sex appeal ratings.

Valérie Trierweiler aka the Rottweiler: Sharply fanged ambitious former glossy magazine editor, husband poacher, ex-unwed First Lady of France

Chorus: French Press 

Extras: Cringing Citizens of France

Plot: Venomous and vengeful, publicly dumped Shebug creates crippling crisis at the Elysée Palace with a kiss-and-tell aptly entitled, ‘Thank You for this Moment’ as her weapon of choice.

As a publicly dumped woman, she knows that boldness is her friend. While this force to be reckoned with hopes to market herself as, alas, I am a woman, friendless, hopeless, ex-lover Hollande, hears only if you have tears, prepare to shed them now…

Her boyfriend cheated on her and nobody likes to feel betrayed. But wasn’t it all a game of infidelity in exchange for power to begin with? In a fake quarrel, there is not true valour; her ascent from nobody to predatory First 'lover' Lady of France was always suspect.

Every peccadillo and bottom-baring aspect of the odd couple’s life at the Palais possible lie within the pages of Trierweiler’s memoir actively read at present from Calais to St Tropez- and beyond.

If France’s Mr. Bean believed the golden age was before him not behind him after dumping Valérie, he thought wrong; this fury was not labeled  ‘La Rottweiler’ for nothing.

Holland is still smarting from being caught cooing good night, good night, parting is such a sweet sorrow, that I shall say good night till it be a little too long with a B-rate actress clambering up the ladder of fame.  Living in the STYLE capital of the world, didn’t he realize the 'scooter & helmet' look are so last millennium?

Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown. As Monsieur Le Président turns paler shades of gray by the day, he must have come to realize that when sorrows come, they come not single spies, but in battalions.

Oh la la! Might Hollande's days be numbered? Or might the best-selling novelist’s?

Book review on Pleasureseeker.me

Shebug: Dissecting the Gold Digger

An interview with the author ~ Leslie Hummel

Leslie says: “You'll pick up a tip or two - guaranteed - inspiring enough to get you off the sofa and back into the swing of things with a whole new swagger” And you'll thank me later!

Hi Leslie, I loved reading 'Shebug: Dissecting the Gold Digger' and had a good giggle throughout. Tell us exactly what a Shebug is:

Hi Yvonne It’s a term I coined to describe the often glamorous but fully toxic, fully armed selfish schemer. Comb through ANY book since the beginning of time and you’ll find the pages coughing up countless specimens. The Shebug’s hazardous nature is broken down into two highly combustive components: 50% woman and 50% insect. This hybrid makes a lethal combination and is the most predatory of our species. Like bugs, they come in all shapes and sizes, all colours and textures and ages. And are near impossible to extinguish!

How did the idea first come to you for the book series?

It came to me when my mother’s best friend found out that the charming Southern Belle to whom she had rented her beautiful house in the San Francisco Bay Area ended up being a real life ‘black widow’. Sandra Bridewell, it seems, has slithered her way out of Texas after leaving a trail of blood and unpaid bills in hopes of finding a new rich husband to milk dry. When she caught scent of the authorities closing in on her, not only did the killer Shebug leave the place a tip nor pay the rent, she left many a man with little in their bank accounts. I chose to write about fictional characters plotting and planning in choice watering holes across the globe.

Do you think men are as aware as women that these Shebugs are on the prowl?

Some see right through them, but not all wealthy men use their heads. 'Shebug: Dissecting the Gold Digger' was designed to enlighten and entertain- not to frighten. Just because the nasty breed survives ice ages, does not mean they are sitting ducks. It’s been suggested that the guidebook be included in every Oscar Night winner’s goodie bag. I couldn’t agree more!

Can you give us an example of a Shebug and what she did to capture her bait?

Wallis Simpson…a fine example. Do you actually believe Bessie Wallace Warfield wasted her precious time thinking about her flaws? NO! She might have looked like a looked like a mean bony nanny but could perform more bedroom tricks than the Cirque de Soleil? This historic specimen falls under the category of FRENEMY. She’d promise to her best friend, Lady Furness, to take very good care of her lover boy, Edward Prince of Wales, whilst the heiress took off on another cruise. Did the double divorcee colonist fulfill her best friend’s request or what? Well Lady Furness certainly couldn’t have accused her best friend for breaking her promise.

In your book, you explain how the term 'Shebug' does not only apply to gold diggers. Who are these other Shebugs?

She's the self-appointed neighbourhood Queen Bee, the smiling politician on her way up the ladder of prestige via the service stairs. Since so many of us work, I dedicated a chapter to Shebugs I refer to as 'Corporate Creepers'. I've dissected the power-hungry female boss-from-hell into recognisable pieces so one is not caught unaware! I've also exposed her unsuspecting Achilles Heels - whether she storms into the boardroom in polished pumps or sizzling stilettos. This type is out for Numero Uno only. She's the one who has no qualms about passing off your brilliant ideas as her own without so much as blushing. Once she is done using you to her advantage, she looks forward to spitting you out. And preferably in public!

Another type laid bare is the Diva Shebug. The more you learn about her, the better equipped you will be to deal with her kind. This glitterbug takes up as much oxygen as a whale in a matchbox and will resort to tantrums to quickly flood the stage with crocodile tears to ensure her name is on the marquee. Mind you, the rare Diva Shebugs who possess amazing talent can be forgiven. But the remaining 98%  'wannabe' Diva Shebugs will hiss, lie and push you into a trap door before they let anybody escort them to the nearest stage door.

Why should everyone own a copy of this one-of-a-kind spicy exposé?

Who doesn't dream of being privy to a Shebug's most ingenious guises? Who doesn't secretly wonder what tactics and hidden agendas these troublemakers think up? Name one person who wouldn't peak into their fully loaded arsenal of seduction? Whether your company is on the verge on an I.P.O, or maybe you've just been nominated for an Emmy Award or have simply been stung by a Shebug one time too many, this is the guide for you. It rates as the equivalent of a can of hard-to-get industrial pesticide - minus the the harmful effects on the environment, of course.

Reviews for Shebug: Dissecting the Gold Digger

‘If this book had been written by a man, he would have been hounded out of town – but this Leslie is a woman and we can only assume that every sharp, delicious word is terrifyingly true.’

David Abbott, Author of ‘The Upright Piano Player’

* * * * *

‘Any woman who even entertains the idea of stealing another woman’s husband, boyfriend or lover should be very, very frightened right now.’

Nina DeSesa, Author of “Seducing the Boys’ Club” and the Chairman of McCann Erickson

* * * * *

‘What every man needs to avoid is getting stung; and every woman wants to reach the next rung.’

Robert Eringer, author of Lo Mein, is a journalist turned fiction writer

Deposed Queen & Stolen Crown

Nerve is what Shebugs - and Hebugs - are all about. Any standard social gauge, dash of the civilized or portent of politesse, go straight by the wayside on them.

If a Shebug smells an opportunity, regardless of how unmerited, how low or how blatantly incorrect it might be, in she slithers devoid of remorse and wearing a look of high-octane confidence only this breed can pull off.

Today’s Shebug is Burmese. But, alas, nothing like the much sought after rubies of her country. May Myat Noe is an eighteen-year-old destined to marry a despot such is the thickness of her young skin.

Miss May was just crowned Miss Asia Pacific in South Korea. To anybody in the know, this is a huge honour. Why? Burma entered two contestants for the first time in the two years since the small nation broke free of its military yolk; no small feat for an emerging nation of 51 million.

The coveted crown is estimated to be worth a cool £60,000; the average monthly salary after tax in the capital, Myanmar (formerly known as Rangoon) is just under £225. Clearly, the bejewelled bandit made out pretty well when she pulled a runner post victory.

The pageant wanted to pay for Miss Noe to undergo cosmetic enhancing: a set of silicone breasts is what they had in mind for their beauty queen.

May declined. She must have decided she did not want her breasts to be confused with mountains - like Shakira. Can’t blame her on that one… But refusing to believe and act as though she was still the winner is not on. Well, she is still in her teens, and teens can be rebellious at times. 

So what does mama Noe have to say about her daughter’s unprofessional behaviour? Who knows except that Mrs. Noe not only violated her ten-day visa restrictions, but also insisted the pageant foot the bill for her two and a half month stay in South Korea. Perhaps the apple does not fall too far from the tree.

As soon as May declined the free surgery, the crowned beauty was duly informed that she was to immediately give up her title, sash and crown, and board a pre-paid flight to back to Rangoon. Instead, the pretty Shebug secretly boarded an earlier flight home with the goodies safely stashed away in her manicured clutches.

Pageant media director, David Kim, is hot on her tail. In addition to theft, he also accuses Miss May of being an ingrate and of having a ‘lack of personality’.

Poor Mr. Kim… he may well be advised to use the £6,000 sponsorship money earmarked for May Myat Noe’s boob job to get his disjointed nose fixed and the hire a Pinkerton or two. It might take a lifetime to get that title, sash and crown back from this Queen Shebug...