Thursday, 13 June 2013

Wedding Bells & Shebugs from Hell

The month of June ring wedding bells across the Northern hemisphere. Once again, the promise of love and happiness permeates the air for all to inhale and savour.

Having said that, weddings seem to bring out the meanest in the Shebug breed. Once their jealousy flares up, best be en guarde

A dear friend of mine, Jane, has a daughter who just got married. I spent a magical afternoon at their house a few weeks ago and enjoyed hours of good old girlie chatter and shared wisdom. The topic of conversation included a handful of Shebugs, naturellement; Jane one of my biggest fans and is pushing me to publish the next book in Shebug Series. (Watch this space!)

It all began when Lydia, the bride-to-be, moaned about a call she had just taken from someone who was asking whether she could bring a date three days before the wedding. This was not a boyfriend, but some guy she had gone out with the weekend before. Caught unawares, Lydia reluctantly said yes.

“Don’t feel bad, Lydia,” Jane cooed. “You buckled under pressure and gave in. But you can remedy this immediately by learning to say one very important word: 'no'.”

Lydia’s troubled eyes doubled in size. “But, mum, I just said she could-”

“No worries. Call her back right now and explain that you did not have enough time to think before answering. Then tell her ‘no’ and that the seating has already been arranged. Dead simple.”

Jane picked up the receiver and handed it to Lydia. Before her daughter’s resistance took control of her, her mother carried on gingerly, “The first time is the toughest. But after a couple of times, you won’t even bat an eye. Don’t let ill-bred people like her push you around. It’s your wedding and you are in charge.”

Jane ‘s advice was spot on. The operative word when deflecting all manner of Shebuggery, whether on a social level or business level, is ‘NO”.

I thought back to my big day and how a friend of my mother’s came dressed in a long white gown... Rather than see red, my mother swiftly swapped the Shebug’s place setting to the furthest corner of the room. Regardless of her husband, the renowned tenor who had just sung the Ave Maria during the ceremony, my mother wasn’t about to let his cheeky wife inflict undue damage at my wedding.

One very attractive older woman I know decided to pull a fainting fit right before a meal for 200 was served at her niece’s wedding.  Thankfully, she did not bang her head and require an ambulance. (If you did not think angels walk the Earth, think again!) She was immediately escorted her to her seat inside before the couple and their families heard about the incident. One very gracious guest remained glued to her side in case the crafty older Shebug had another trick up her satin sleeve. She did, however, capture a coterie a guests swooping by to ask how she was feeling the entire evening…

A year ago, another incident took place at a wedding held in Venice. But this time, it was a Hebug wreaking havoc; the groom’s cousin’s sharp claws came out to play like Edward Scissorhands on Grappa and steroids…

The bride and groom, both recent medical graduates, had an after hours party organized for their closest friends. Two highly polished water taxis awaited under the light of the moon to whisk the guests to the couple’s half furnished two-bedroom house to continue their celebration.  But instead of ending up there, the Hebug, an insufferable braggart, instructed the boat captains to ferry the select gaggle of guests to his opulent villa instead.

Jane shared the story about her American friend Elisa, whose bright rosy future juddered to a grinding halt the moment the priest asked whether or not anyone should object to the wedding. An uninvited Shebug raised her hand and brazenly stood up. Her fake pregnancy announcement secured her the trophy she had been after for some time. He was very successful and handsome to boot.

Eventually, Elisa found love once more. But this time, she took no chances and eloped. Like his predecessor, Elisa’s husband was also property developer only much more driven. So when the permission was granted his company to erect a tower across the street from his wife’s ex-fiancĂ© and Shebug wife, Elisa demanded one simple thing of him.

“Build me one wider and taller then theirs.”

He very happily obliged.

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