Desert Rose

British-born Asma grew up in Action and attended a Church of England school. Her fellow students called the Harley Street cardiologist’s daughter Emma. The 36 year old mother of three read French literature and computer science at King’s College before setting off to work as a banker at JP Morgan.

Suddenly, in 2000, Asma began to secretly date a rather goofy looking ophthalmologist whose pre-destined future was as close to his healing practices as the North Pole is to the South Pole: presidency. She gave up her career as a banker to wed him that very year. (It is pure coincidence that her fiancé’s father was just months away from popping his clogs.)

The fact that Bashar’s iron-fisted father carried out unspeakable bestialities, unfathomable brutalities and supported foreign terrorist groups during his tenure as tyrant did not sway her determination to wed the future ruler of Syria. No more Ms al-Akhras for her: she is to be addressed as ‘Your Excellency’.

The couple used to live in a three-storey house with neighbours on either side at the beginning of his rule. Asma once even drove Angelina and Brad through Damascus in her car personally. As for the billions-in-the-bank, the private jets and assorted palaces, well, those come with the job.

Last September, as international condemnation of the tyrannical regime grew and sanctions were imposed against Syria by the US and the EU, Asma kept herself busy in London splashing out £270,000 on furnishings and securing Lord Kenilworth to re-design her palace gardens to the tune of £170,000.

More leaked emails also revealed that Syria's First Lady was looking for a Harry Potter DVD on the Internet while her country was in turmoil and that she was ‘the real dictator in the family’.

Poor dear, with the country spiraling out of control, any girl worth her salt knows the benefits of a good shopping spree. Especially when it comes to her passion over Louboutin stilettos.

The flow of photos of the glamorous shopaholic has run suspiciously dry. Last I heard the 'desert rose' was pregnant and living in a bunker, passport in hand, ready to defect to Libya, Iran or Russia. It would not surprise me to learn that fellow despot, Christina Kirchner, is in dialogue with this devil in Prada.

But I doubt Asma’s feeling too prickly under the collar: while Syria’s civil war rages overhead, ‘Your Excellency’ continues to shop. On-line.