Shebug ORIGIN: ARGENTINA

Argentine Gabriela Guido understood the power of flexibility and the advantages of a having captive audience. So it came as no surprise when she joined the one association that met her lofty requirements: The Mile High Club.

The perky trolley dolly snaps up an ideal candidate who offers her the life she has dreamed of. But when Argentina’s tango-like politics constrict her husband’s purse, Gabriela takes to the skies again in search of foreign prey.

 Tom, a divorced American MIT engineer, cannot resist the Latin vixen. He marries not only Gabriela, but also her entire family of hangers on. So when he is promoted and they relocate to Colombia, not even his increase in salary or substantial house complete with large staff can wipe the look of disappointment off his wife’s face.

Suddenly, tragedy strikes and Gabriela needs to take decisive action. She becomes a media sensation overnight, which catapults her out of dangerous Bogota and right into sultry Miami.

But can she live with herself? You bet!

SHEBUG Origin: Argentina is one in a series of Shebug Stories, which transport you into the intriguing world of gold diggers.

Available now on Kindle, Amazon and iTunes!

Attention Grabber

Shebugs have more weapons in their arsenal than the CIA and MI6 combined no matter how they looked when beginning their careers.

Though some are obvious in every way, not all Shebugs use the same tracking and hunting methods to milk a millionaire or to get their claws on ill-earned positions of power. But when one opts for tactics that cause a celebrity crowd to quiver, the Shebug’s name surfaces for all to see. And to remember.

Liz Hurley rates as the perfect example of an attention grabber. The two words uttered the day she stole the spotlight from Hugh Grant were, “That DRESS!”

And rightly so:  ceasing the golden opportunity to strike loud and hard, Ms Hurley opted to deploy a black Versace’s gown for the occasion complete with peek-a-boo slits held by strategically placed gold safety pins. On that evening, the unknown arm candy’s secured her name in celebrity-dom.

Unlike her ex-boyfriend, Hugh, whom I see frequently sipping his morning coffee along the Fulham Road, I once bumped into Ms Hurley – or rather, her bump nearly bumped into me…

I was at a Knightsbridge store placidly admiring the goodies when I loud voice broke the calm of the shoppers. Everyone’s head lifted as if on cue.  A brunette in high-heel boots and painted on jeans strode in from the winter cold with a flamboyant yes-man in tow.

It was impossible not to look, no matter how discrete everyone was trying to be. Chatting incessantly, the heavily pregnant woman wore a roll neck that only covered half her belly. In fact, her unborn child turned around the corner to where I stood seconds before the rest of Liz Hurley caught up. I gathered that the two-inch coat of lip-gloss she wore was to detract from her unwashed hair. Make-up can work miracles for a girl short on time.

Her ex-boyfriend, Hugh, whom I see on occasions enjoying his mid-morning latte along the Fulham Road, is anything but an attention seeker. In fact, more often than not, he looks pained to be recognized by others, no matter how accidental or subtle the glance.

Ms Hurley went for fame longevity from the minute she chose ‘that dress’. The model/actress lost no time reshaping all she could think of to keep her head above the competitive celeb fray, from brows width to lip size, bra cup to hairstyle. Her attempts to bag Billionaire Bing might have backfired, but she did nab a handsome textile heir, and is poised to pounce on prosperous prospect cricket star, Shane Warne.

If she succeeds again, the entire population of Australia hopes the couple has a daughter. That way poor Shane can get back his rugged manly looks, while Liz plays the makeover game with someone better suited to highlights, brow plucks, Botox and tanning salons.

SHEBUG Origin: Argentina

Argentine Gabriela Guido understood the power of flexibility and the advantages of a having captive audience. So it came as no surprise when she joined the one association that met her lofty requirements: The Mile High Club.

The perky trolley dolly snaps up an ideal candidate who offers her the life she has dreamed of. But when Argentina’s tango-like politics constrict her husband’s purse, Gabriela takes to the skies again in search of foreign prey.

Tom, a divorced American MIT engineer, cannot resist the Latin vixen. He marries not only Gabriela, but also her entire family of hangers on. So when he is promoted and they relocate to Colombia, not even his increase in salary or substantial house complete with large staff can wipe the look of disappointment off his wife’s face.

Suddenly, tragedy strikes and Gabriela needs to take decisive action. She becomes a media sensation overnight, which catapults her out of dangerous Bogota and right into sultry Miami.

But can she live with herself? You bet!

SHEBUG Origin: Argentina is one in a series of Shebug Stories, which transport you into the intriguing world of gold diggers.

Now available on Kindle, Amazon and on iTunes!

Desert Rose

British-born Asma grew up in Action and attended a Church of England school. Her fellow students called the Harley Street cardiologist’s daughter Emma. The 36 year old mother of three read French literature and computer science at King’s College before setting off to work as a banker at JP Morgan.

Suddenly, in 2000, Asma began to secretly date a rather goofy looking ophthalmologist whose pre-destined future was as close to his healing practices as the North Pole is to the South Pole: presidency. She gave up her career as a banker to wed him that very year. (It is pure coincidence that her fiancé’s father was just months away from popping his clogs.)

The fact that Bashar’s iron-fisted father carried out unspeakable bestialities, unfathomable brutalities and supported foreign terrorist groups during his tenure as tyrant did not sway her determination to wed the future ruler of Syria. No more Ms al-Akhras for her: she is to be addressed as ‘Your Excellency’.

The couple used to live in a three-storey house with neighbours on either side at the beginning of his rule. Asma once even drove Angelina and Brad through Damascus in her car personally. As for the billions-in-the-bank, the private jets and assorted palaces, well, those come with the job.

Last September, as international condemnation of the tyrannical regime grew and sanctions were imposed against Syria by the US and the EU, Asma kept herself busy in London splashing out £270,000 on furnishings and securing Lord Kenilworth to re-design her palace gardens to the tune of £170,000.

More leaked emails also revealed that Syria's First Lady was looking for a Harry Potter DVD on the Internet while her country was in turmoil and that she was ‘the real dictator in the family’.

Poor dear, with the country spiraling out of control, any girl worth her salt knows the benefits of a good shopping spree. Especially when it comes to her passion over Louboutin stilettos.

The flow of photos of the glamorous shopaholic has run suspiciously dry. Last I heard the 'desert rose' was pregnant and living in a bunker, passport in hand, ready to defect to Libya, Iran or Russia. It would not surprise me to learn that fellow despot, Christina Kirchner, is in dialogue with this devil in Prada.

But I doubt Asma’s feeling too prickly under the collar: while Syria’s civil war rages overhead, ‘Your Excellency’ continues to shop. On-line.

Iconic Shebug Costumes

Wrapped up like a giant present, tired of being locked up with a head cold, I took to the snow- dusted London streets with a friend to see the Hollywood Costumes Exhibition presently showing at the V&A Museum.

In my first book, Shebug: Dissecting the Gold Digger, I break down the critter’s choice of clothing in luxurious detail. Without her seductive armoury, not even I would be able to spot the difference between a Shebug and a hairless Chihuahua…Outer packaging is everything.

Every iconic film features a Shebug - or two, to add that dark twist to the tale. The wardrobe designer’s job is to attire each character to fit their part, a true art form.

Some are delightfully obvious choices, like Cruella de Vil’s stark back and white do-not-stand-in-my-way look. It spells out exactly what she’s really after. 

But not all Shebugs chose to telegraph their intentions...

Take the dress and matching coat worn Sharon Stone in her killer Shebug ‘Basic Instinct’ role: clean-cut and of quality fabric, it acts as a lamb-like camouflage in its winter whiteness. The timeless classic would look chic today if cut 4 inches longer - and worn with knickers.

One of two dresses from epic ‘Gone with The Wind’ greets the viewers. The script from the film that lights up as you stand before the heavy, deep green creation reads:

"I'm going to Atlanta for that $300 and I gotta go looking like a queen!"

This is the moment Southern Belle, Scarlett O’Hara, comes up with the idea to get the tax money due on her family’s plantation from Rhett Butler. Her defiant matching green eyes fasten upon the drapes, the only sign of luxury left to be found at Tara. She commands the servant, Mammy, to pull them down, tassels and all, and to fetch her mother’s dress patterns.

Her mission is to entice him visually. And fast. Had Rhett not discovered her duplicity, the flirty Shebug would have returned to Tara cash in hand, whether they had been smooth or rough.

 Scarlett’s other key dress on show is exactly what Rhett Butler ordered her to wear after she gets caught kissing Ashley. Bent on making her buckle before all of Atlanta’s society, he scours her wardrobe and growls, ‘Nothing modest or matronly will do’.

And that is precisely what he finds in this iconic piece. Less voluminous than the first, this curve-hugging gown is made of the most tactile of velvets dyed in the deepest scarlet. No tassles, no perky hat to match, just plumes to quiver cockily as Scarlett walks in head held high after Rhett deposits her at Melanie’s door.

A fitting caption for this dress are Rhett Butler’s parting words in this steamy scene:

“You go into the arena alone. The lions are hungry for you.”

As Transparent as Crystal

 Unlike last week’s story about a ‘bride and prune’, our latest protagonist has proven herself to be even more voracious. This time the couple appear more like grandfather and granddaughter. The bride looks like Barbie Doll model number gazillion- for Barbie wannabes make up the greatest percent of the ‘Curvaceous Crawlers’ category insofar as Shebugs.

The stereotypical long, peroxide maned, chesty bimbo works as ideal bait for men-with-money-of-the less-evolved sort, those who become instantly stunned by all things visual.  

Today’s twenty-six year old Shebug proved to be more than meets the eye because the the swarm of lookalikes she cut through to snaffle her prey does not get any trickier - or competitive. I've been a guest at her husband's Beverly Hills mansion, so I can verify this. 

Her billionaire is the most notorious of them all, forever surrounded by a fresh bevy of silicone breasted,  plasticised females renown for their big ears and bushy tails: Playboy Prince, Hugh Hefner.

Interestingly, American-born Crystal Harris was brought up in the West Midlands of England. She used to sing in the Ye Olde Rose and Crown Pub of which her parents were the landlords.

Married on New Year’s Eve to the head of the Bunny Empire places this deceivingly well-cloaked cut-throat jeune femme as one of the richest women of America.

July’s issue of Playboy featured Ms Harris on the cover as ‘Runaway Bride’. Apparently the disparate two were to have married last June except that the poor bunny got cold feet after her one, and only one go, at intimacy with the octogenarian.

Crystal is a long-term planner at heart. Her 86 year old sugar granddaddy suffered a stroke at 59 and has survived two prior divorces. He smokes a pipe and is on the brink of another birthday.  But is time on her side? Hef claims that both his parents lived till the ripe old age of 101...

A friend of mine bets that Ms Harris-Hefner still has to complete her ultimate mission: to make sure husband Hef is given high wattage attention round the clock, and to throw the most surprise-ridden birthday bash for him in April. 

I think that is a rather harsh view... But could Crystal  be that transparent? 

Watch the video.

Rolling a Stone up the Aisle

Plus ça change, plus c’est la même chose as the French say.  Too true, the more it changes, the more it stays the same. Case in point? Guitarist Ronnie Wood. This Rolling Stone tied the knot for a third time with a woman named Sally Humphreys.

As you can observe below, his first two wives look very different from Sally: both are blondes.

Surprisingly, his new choice of bride comes as a brunette. Clearly, Sally is not supposed to be a newer model of versions one and two. That would frightfully catty thought, wouldn’t it?

Sally is everything he has not been for decades: young, hungry and bearing a passport that clocks her at thirty-four.

Ronnie’s multi-visa, multi-paged version reads sixty-five; his new father-in-law, Colin,  is a year older than this Rolling Stone.

Colin Humphreys is thrilled about his daughter's choice, but not because his new son-in-law is worth over £20 million, but because Ronnie is now able to join Colin and his wife down Memory Lane at every holiday gathering. 

Yet not all will be that cozy as it appears chez-The New Mrs Woods. Is is because only one of his four children is a few years younger than the stepmother? A point to ponder...

It might help smooth out many a wrinkle if dad were to offer £1 million he just earned to each of his children from four recent Rolling Stone gigs. But what about their dear mummy?

It looks to me like it is too bothersome a dilemma for an ex-theatre producer to dwell just now--or ever.