Moonie Tunes

Koreans are being featured in the news with alarming frequency of late, but not just because of  missile-launching dictators like Lil’ Kim. The South Korean snatching her share of headlines has much better dress sense.

Seventy-year-old Hak Ja Han became Sun Myung Moon’s second wife in 1960. Reverend Moon, also referred to as True Father, was the founder of a multi-billion dollar brainwashing business known as the Unification Church. He died last year leaving Mrs. Moon, or True Mother, in charge of his entire empire and its Storm Troupers.

Unlike Reverend Moon, True Mother has not spent a handful of years behind U.S. bars for tax evasion. However, her son recently accused her of committing euthanasia on his father during a boardroom ‘cosmic ceremony’.  The altercation created such a stir, that Mama Moonie fired Little Moonie then and there and ordered her acolytes to stay well away from him. Let’s face it: every family has its share of secrets, and vying for an empire under the glare of ten children would give any mother her fair share of gray hair…

The Unification Church was founded in Seoul in 1954. Seven years later, it made headlines performing a mass wedding with 33 couples. The sum rose to 45,000 in 2009. Nowadays, couples of different nationalities, many who do not even speak the same language, are being paired off with complete strangers. Those who cannot physically be in the stadium tie the knot via a satellite link.

This month, True Mother Moonie preformed a mass wedding ceremony for approximately 3,500 couples, with another 24,000 saying their I dos via video link. 

A petition has been launched over Facebook requesting that True Mother re-write the prestigious Xerox Sales Training course. It also calls for Hak Ja Han to donate 99.9% of the Moonie millions to mental institutions across the globe--starting with the immediate restraint and treatment of  South Korea's neighbour, Lil’ Kim—plus, en masse emergency brain restructuring of the entire Moonie population.

Of course, it would save me a pretty penny to have my children marry Moonie-style. But in the current economic climate, I choose to support small businesses...So hand me a pen!